Marmaduke review

"Marmaduke" is something that was probably set up to be made somewhere within the 90's and got lost in the shuffle of bland ideas with lamer than lame jokes. With a host of bizarre things in this movie however the biggest oddity is the quite talented cast involved.

After watching the film in it's entirety it's hard to imagine most of these people reading this script beforehand and thinking 'yeah... this is a great movie to be a part of'. My guess is that a nice sized pay check came paper clipped on top and that was all these people really looked at.

Basically the story of "Marmaduke" is that of an 80's high school movie... wait... no. It's like a 90's high school movie that thinks those movies from the 80's high school movies were so super cool that it wants to have that same vibe. Only with dogs. Owen Wilson voices Marmaduke, a two hundred pound teenage dog who moves from Kansas with his family to Orange County California. Basically it's everything you've ever seen with human teens and high school cliches, bullies and set ups... but with dogs. There is dog romance, dog dancing, dog DDR, dog partying, dog surfing even dog white water rafting without rafts. All done with creepy and fairly annoying CGI mouth work.

Now lets talk some more about this cast, shall we? In addition to Wilson, we have Emma Stone ('Zombieland'), Sam Elliot ('The Big Lebowski'), Fergie (singer... you know who I'm talking about), Keifer Sutherland ('24'), Damon and Marlon Waynes, Lee Pace ('Pushing Up Daisies'), Judy Greer ('Arrested Development'), Steve Coogan ('Tropic Thunder'), Christopher Mintz-Plasse ('Superbad') and William H. Macy (far too many fantastic films to name). Oh and George Lopez, which is the only non-surprising name in the bunch. He probably offers up the biggest reason to never (even for the sake of laughing AT the film) watch this. He voices Carlos, Marmaduke's cat friend. What the writers or Lopez himself have done is made sure that everybody and their mama knows the character is Latino, by stereotyping the hell out of everything he says. His character alone dances on the line of annoying stereotype and being out and out racist.

Also there's a sequence in which basically Marmaduke pretends to be racist against cats so the 'cool' dogs will like him. And yes I'm aware of what they were aiming for with that segment, but at the end of the days that's what it is. Moving on from that though is just tons and tons of awful things to look at and really weird things to think about. Like how can dogs string up lights and hook up DJ equipment in a house? And why after the house is trashed to almost cartoonish fashion do the owners not think that they had a break in and someone wrecked the place? OH NO it's just our giant retarded dog! That's why there's random ass turntables and what not crunches on the Ikea rug. What happens after the doggy date in the junkyard with the girl dog Jezebel? And why is William H. Macy so freaking creepy in this film? So much to ponder.

I do seriously wonder though why any execs thought this movie was a great idea. Then again while watching the trailers for "Smurfs" and "Gulliver's Travels" with Jack Black I wondered the same thing. Unless both films hide some great, lovable magic that comes through only while watching the film (not impossible, but I highly doubt it). But why create this movie? As crappy as all this was at least as a full ANIMATED movie I could have seen some of this junk maybe... SORT OF working a little better or at least not being so weird. I could live with Lee Pace's character fucking falling every time he ran in the animated world because perhaps it would be some sort reoccurring joke that he mentions later. Actually... scratch that; that would imply that the writers would have had some idea of what humor is. It probably wouldn't matter what medium "Marmaduke" was in because it'll still be unfunny, witless and annoying.

Jonah Hex review

I did a bit of research before I sat down to write this. See I've been following the production of "Jonah Hex" for quite some time now. First off I'm a fan of Josh Brolin and the idea that the dude was going to attempt to dive into being an action hero struck me as cool. Second was that "Crank" and "Crank 2" creators Neveldine & Taylor were writing and directing the film. And third because of the previous reasons and knowing that the world would have a hard R-rated action piece with a nice sized budget about a disfigured gunslinger fighting supernatural evils. Sorry art world, but that shit will win my bucks any day. Unfortunately as time passed a lot changed. Neveldine & Taylor were out as directors and in was Jimmy Hayward; director of "Horton Hears a Who!".... I'll let everything I've told you sink in. So I wanted to know what happened, but we'll get to that later.

Now I'm all for giving people a chance to try something new, but that's considering if the material works for that person. For Hayward... ehhhhh I'm gonna go with no. All that R-rated shit... out the door. Time for some good ole' fashioned PG-13ing which is apparently what Warner Brothers was looking for. Now in addition to Brolin let's bring in John Malkovich cause he sell anything... Megan Fox for all those horny men out there and then toss in some other familiar faces for good measure. Yeah... now we have a movie that someone will buy to see right? Right?!

Apparently wrong goop for brains. The story of Jimmy Hayward's "Jonah Hex" is basically this... Hex was a soldier whose family was killed by Quentin Turnbull (Malkovich) for killing his son and Hex's best friend (reasons are pretty paper thin). He's now a supernatural fighting, disfigured bounty hunter that's been hired by the government to hunt down Turnbull who is going for destroy Washington D.C. with a super weapon (aka a big ass cannon on boat) for some reason. Oh and he apparently likes Lilah, a hooker played in a couple scenes by Megan Fox. I don't know... call me crazy, but there could be some holes in this story.

As it turns out Malkovich can't sell everything. For example being a ex-southern general who wants to destroy the capital. I guess we're supposed to believe that since he was a confederate that he's just hell bent on destroying the U.S. or something of that sort. But as little sense as he's whole dastardly scheme makes, still it'd be nice if he could sound like a southerner. Instead he does this odd vocal changing that makes him sound more like slack-jawed northerner than anything else. Equally Megan Fox's accent is flimsy, but sometimes works. I'm not a Fox hater and I think she's far from being a horrible actress. Mainly because she's never tired to be anything out of the norm character wise that would make me think that. It doesn't take Kate Winslet to read Fox's lines in "Transformers" and most of the Fox haters I've discovered are simply people who dislike her media attention. I could care less. The thing of it is she can work and with someone like her in your film you can use what she has (ala' some skill, but lots of looks) to your advantage. Instead she has about four or five scenes, is loosely connected as a "love" interest for Hex and really has no reason to be in the story except to be there and get people to see the movie.

Rounding out the casting fuck ups is the under using of great talents like Will Arnet, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Michael Fassbender and worst of all Michael Shannon who has ONE LINE. A man who is one of the very best working actors today... has one fucking line in this film. He had more lines in "Bad Boys II"! He had more lines in "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call, New Orleans"! What in the living shit is going on?! At least that was what I was asking myself for the latter half of the movie. The first twenty or so minutes isn't terrible. The introduction to Hex is alright; as is the following train sequence. But after that it's all downhill, with the only saving grace being Brolin.

I can honestly say that despite all the fuck ups in the film, Josh Brolin is a great looking and acting Hex. He'd be even better if he wasn't neutered and was allowed to be the ultimate badass he could be. As far as spouting quirky one-liners and the dispensing of bad guys however he's pretty darn good. I should also mention that with all the killings and what not that we don't see a drop of blood or anything. In fact one thing that kills the pretty nice train scene is the fact that when the cart with all the people in it blows to kingdom come, the aftermath simply shows a couple of fully intact, semi blackened bodies near the rails. The final battle between Hex and Turnbull is also strange. It's short, shot through awkward close ups and honestly the most forgettable thing about the movie. Oh and there's this completely ridiculous and pointless "dream fight" where the two battle in the red clay desert type arena that keeps getting cut to in the sequence.

So who's to blame? Neveldine & Taylor are still credited as the screenwriters however their script is VASTLY different from what they ended up doing. How different? Well being a fan I did some digging and discovered this great article going through what they intended to happen versus what was made. Also on Neveldine & Taylor's website you can actually purchase their scripts including their original one for "Jonah Hex"; something I might do the next time I've got some extra cash. From what I've read and heard their version would have been without a doubt superior and could've really delivered that kick in the pants the summer season has yet to really get.

I would love to think that someone, somewhere is reading that article or their screenplay and is realizing how much Warner Brothers screwed up. I'd love to think that they're going to wait it down for a while and try to figure out a way to use this character from something worth while. Of course that MIGHT have been the case if they hadn't released the film against "Toy Story 3"; one of the biggest movies of the year. You see if you have a shit movie and you know it's a shit movie and you just want to release something to grab some cash and be done with it all... then perhaps picking a proper release date would be wise. The film opened at #8 so it's my guess that it won't be making back it's $65 million dollar budget (by the way... I'd LOVE to know where that money went). However their is a silver lining to all this. As it turns out someone did love what Neveldine & Taylor wanted to do for "Jonah Hex" and apparently wants them to do that for another back-burner comic book character, Ghost Rider. And while co-writer/ director Mark Steven Johnson ("Daredevil" and "When In Rome"... yes the one with Kristen Bell) did make the first awful damn movie, it seems the "Crank" boys will sweep in to actually turn it into something fresh, exciting and I'm sure quite ballsy. Everything "Jonah Hex" was not.

Toy Story 3 review

I've waited since Thursday night to write this up. It's taken so long simply because I wasn't FULLY sure how I felt about the film. Granted to did really like it, in fact if anyone didn't like it then I'd think they lacked a heart. However I wasn't 100% sure how I felt about the film as a whole. I looked at different pieces as something all their own, but the big picture wasn't quite visible to me. After much thought and re-watching key sequences (including the ending with nearly "Terminator 2" level intensity) I've concluded that this is A: the best film of the summer thus far, B: one of the best films of the year and C: the best film in the trilogy.

As for the Pixar lineup I'd say it's somewhere under "Wall-E" and "The Incredibles". On a technically level this is beautiful and from a storytelling perspective it's smart, somewhat tipsy in the middle but has a final act packed with intensity and emotion. You all know the story, Andy getting ready to head off to college and his toy's getting donated to Sunnyside Daycare only to discover that their new home isn't as friendly as they thought. So the crew must go all 'Great Escape' on these goons and get back home. However it won't be easy. Woody's dead set on everyone simply returning home and being there for Andy no matter what, whereas Buzz and the others truly believe that it's time to move on and have new owners. These differing mind sets is where 90% of the emotion with the rest coming from that last bit of hardcore peril the toys must face.

We gets lots of great new characters including Ken and Barbie, the evil Lotso and the creepy Big Baby. Despite it's G-rating 'Toy Story 3' plays in the darker side of things quite a bit. Sure there's that frolicking good, bright fun we see in all their films, but there's also a heavy amount of darker toned sequences, jokes and general style. Those things really make the film stand out and adds something fresh.

It's funny seeing how fantastic a picture "Toy Story 3" is compared to the dozens of animated films that have come out this year already and were simply cookie cutter tales with rehashed jokes that don't work. Here is a well written conclusion to a story began in 1995, that's still funny and charming and witty. Here's a film that doesn't need bottom feeder jokes to get you laughing. Really there's not a lot else to say about "Toy Story 3". I was surprised at how good it was and how strong it gets, but not surprised that Pixar could pull off something this impressive for their only real franchise piece. I can't swear that we'll NEVER see Woody or Andy again. I don't really think it's something necessary, but I wouldn't be against it either. Let's just say out of everything in theaters now THIS is the best you can see.

The A-Team review

It almost seems like with each review this summer I've had to pretty much sum how things ain't how they used to be. I've pondered over this thought quite a bit; is it the fact that I've gotten older and seen other things and have outgrown the popcorn and mindless summer films? Has the elitist side of me take over and I'm now forced to look at these movies with an up-turned snout or perhaps elitist views of others that have rubbed off on me? The very nature of why to go the these films has started to plague over the past month due to... really just a lot of pretty unimpressive works.
Overall I liked but forgot "Iron Man 2". Ridley Scott's "Robin Hood" was nice spectacle, but still a B-Scott film. "Get Him to the Greek" was a fun enough ride and then there's the careful-who-you-tell-you-like "Splice" ;which has divided viewers and placed them in the love it or hate zones. Pretty much everything else has been crap.

I guess these times occur. I remember a few years back during Oscar season critics and audiences could easily say that a lot of the films had great performances (like Philip Seymour Hoffman in "Capote"), but the movies weren't really as good (also like "Capote"). However here and there are sprinkled films that remind you of why these times of the year is supposed to be great for movies; whether it's for fun or for acclaim. While I'll say 'The A-Team' isn't greatness, I will say that it is a subtle reminder and example of why the summer season is fun. TV to movie adaptations can be rough. There's that fan basis you have to attract who want fucking everything from the show top to bottom on the screen and for some reason feel that it's owed to them. Then there's casting, finding a story that works well enough for a movie NOT an extended episode of the show and finally getting somebody behind the camera that can bring the baby home. For my money the best two are still Andrew Davis' "The Fugitive" and Brian DePalma's "Mission:Impossible". Both got it right and both work well still.

For FOX the wanted to gather themselves a damn good team to make work a four year running show that was influential, the butt of many jokes and relished in it's ridiculousness. Personally I'm a moderate fan of the show. I used to watch the re-runs on TNN (now Spike TV) and after a long while of never understanding why people liked it, it hooked me in. Mainly Murdock... but it hooked me. Here they update the whole pack and deliver jokes that work, characters that are quite like that of the series and equally fun to watch and action sequences that... are absurd but in that kind of "that was pretty fucking cool and extremely unrealistic" way. Liam Neeson's Hannibal has charm and is always fun to see play around in this type of film. While I wasn't a lover 'Taken', I do have to say it's reinvented his career in a great way. Bradley Cooper's Faceman is pretty spot on. Cooper's a funny guy and I do remember seeing him a few movies pre-'The Hangover' that really dug him in, so it's cool seeing his expansion into this genre. "District 9" star Sharlto Copley never quite over plays Murdock. He hits the right notes that play into his humor and insanity and keep you wanting more. And finally UFC fighter Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson. Not bad for a first film. Granted this isn't 'Hamlet', but he still did a more that passable job of playing B.A. Baracus and not trying to copy Mr. T. Patrick Wilson is also here playing a nasty and quirky CIA man and Jessica Biel as a former lover interest of Faceman's and the person in charge of finding them all after they escape custody.

Co-writer and director Joe Carnahan ('Smokin' Aces' and 'Narc') works hard to make it much more of a character piece (like with his previous films) rather than as a simple and straight shooting action movie. That said there is no shortage of over the tip-top action sequences and it gets pretty damn ridiculous in that big final act. I'd have loved to have seen some of the big and ridiculous scenes done CGI-less, however I'm fully aware that attempting to fly a tank doesn't work too well in real life. Seriously though there is some less than lovely CGI pieces coupled with the really nice looking ones and they practical effects work (which there's a lot of). I do wish that was more evened out. But never know could be something to work on for a sequel.

"The A-Team" is probably the single most entertaining action film of the summer thus far and that's what this season is about. (RANT ALERT) I've honestly hit a boiling point where I've lost all tolerance for the elitist film pushers. Yeah... I'm fucking balling my eyes out that's I'm not renting your fucking Fellini or Goddard films. And yes I'm well aware (probably more so than you) of what foreign films are coming to America and why I should see them. Guess what... just because it's from another goddamn country DOESN'T MAKE IT GOOD! And pardon me all to hell if I wanna watch something with less substance from time to time. I'm fucking sorry you're pissed that people like "Avatar"; guess what I'm pissed that people think "Cold Mountain" is a good movie and that Renee Zellweger deserved her Oscar for it! I'm pissed that people seem to think Jonnie To is the next John Woo and I'm pissed that most Criterion DVD are hard to find and really fucking expensive. I'm pissed that people actually think that Vincent Gallo is an artist instead of the dirty, pretentious, tactless prick he is. But by no means bombard me with your sophomoric peddling of older films that you know you're supposed to like and thus you do even if you don't understand it. It doesn't impress me, it just pisses me off because if there's one thing I hate (hahahaha... like there's only one thing...) it's elitists film pushers. (RANT ended)

So... hmmmm... I was talking about something... oh yeah "The A-Team"! If you like fun, mindless movies that don't attempt to do anything other than allow you have a good time and say fuck off to 90 degree weather, than this is it.

Get Him to the Greek review

Movie spin-offs work about as often as television spin-offs. As great as the people in and behind them are usually they just don't work out the way they're supposed to. A lot of times it's due to the massive lack of effort put fourth by the creators because they feel like they've got their fan basis so what does it matter. Other times it's just things not clinging together well. Fortunately "Get Him to the Greek" aka Aldous Snow from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" gets his own movie is part of the few spin-offs that does work well. I'll say it's not as good as it's leaping point film, but they aren't the same types of comedies either.

A big part of why "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" was so good was because it was first and foremost a romantic comedy that was both sweet and nastily funny. It attempted to lampoon everything about celebrity and celebrity relationships while still creating an ensemble group of memorable characters that tired to deal with the situation in a fairly realistic manner. "Get Him to the Greek" at it's core like a rock n roll excess film in which Jonah Hill's Aaron Green character must go through hell and back in transport his idol Aldous Snow to the Greek theater in L.A. for an anniversary concert which could easily revive his fading career. We get to learn a lot about Aldous' music, family, relationships and lifestyle which leads to scenes of utter and out of control hilarity and surprising moments of conviction in which he discusses his long spanning trouble with drugs. What's more interesting is when they attempt to blur those two things and try both in the same scene. It's kind of half and half.

I've read about a half a dozen reviews for the film and one thing I keep noticing is that people have been picking out who makes the movie. That's something I highly disagree with because like in 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' I felt ALL the characters help shape the picture. Hill plays (for a change) the straight man and actually manages to kill it and at times out shine Brand who works hard to be the center of funny. I'm not saying Russell Brand isn't funny (cause he damn sure is), but there's a lot of sharing going around with the others performers. I will also say that indeed Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs does steal a number of scenes. As a music and business mogul I don't care for him, but as an actor... I've got to say he's impressed me. Between this, "Monster's Ball" and the remake of "A Raisin in the Sun", Diddy's got range. Elisabeth Moss as Hill's doctor girlfriend is the un-sung hero I feel. She works hard to be a likable, sweet and kind of realistic character in Aaron's now maddening world of rock excess that he's trying to escape. And finally Rose Byrne who I don't think I've ever seen in a comedy, plays Snow's former girlfriend (or wife, I'm not entirely sure) model and singer Jackie Q. You might remember Byrne from a number of dramas including FX's "Damages", "Wicker Park" and "28 Weeks Later". It's great seeing her cut loose a bit and doing something very much unlike her normal fair and as it turns out she's fucking great at lampooning atypical posh, UK female musicians.

I have to say between this and "Splice" the weekend of June 4th has been pretty damn good. Writer-director Nicolas Stroller is one of the few Apatow backed directors that appears to have a greater sense of style about him, that could and probably will carry him much further. It certainly takes the film further and creates something great to look at even when a few of the jokes don't fly as well. The songs and the writing are still fantastic here and this cast is pitch perfect to every scene. Really with all the shit comedies out right now (looking at you 'Macgruber' and 'Sex and the City 2') here is finally a one that lives up to it's potential and provides numerous tear inducing scenes of hilarity in a great looking package. Perhaps finally the summer season is churning out something better than what we've been seeing.

Splice review

What is happening in the cinema world right now is fucking awesome. Despite all the massive, massive amounts of crap being tossed out there and the usual junk food pictures there is people at work attempting to revive the science fiction and horror genres. Some of these people you know like Oscar nominated filmmaker Neil Blomkamp of "District 9" or Duncan Jones of "Moon". However some have been hard at work attempting to bring us smart and original ideas for a while. People like Vincenzo Natali. Natali created "Cube" in the late 90's; a Kafka-like psychological science fiction picture about people trapped in a giant cubic puzzle. After that he somewhat disappeared only really popping up once more on my radar for his directed piecein "Paris Je T'aime" which was among my favorites. All the while he was cracking the story that would eventually become "Splice".

Is it really horror? Not by the conventional thought of stuff jumping out and all that, but instead something very, VERY close to his and executive producer Guillermo Del Toro's feelings on horror, science and monsters. Del Toro is well known for of course the "Hellboy" films and "Pan's Labyrinth" however people tend to forget his bizarre vampire tale "Cronos" (which is getting the Criterion treatment soon), the war ghost story "The Devil's Backbone" or his homage to Universal movie monster favorite "The Mummy", his mega roach monster film "Mimic". Aside from that the man is a fucking Cronenberg junkie and obviously Natali is as well; something very evident here.

What the film is really about is Clive (Adrian Brody) and Elsa (Sarah Polley), a rock star bioengineering team who have cracked DNA splicing and want to step it up a notch. So they do. From dealing with animal DNA, to tossing in some human DNA and the result is Dren. Clive fears what they've created and often speaks of destroying it however Elsa continuously reminds him of all that they could learn from her and eventually come to possibly love their creation. Dren is genetically a dozen different animals which allows from some fun and mildly tense sequences of discovery involved them dealing with her. But like most mad scientist creations something goes pretty wrong. Dren ages quickly and within a few months she appears to be in her mid twenties. She's tired of being cooped up in basements, labs and barns and wants out and that's the last thing Elsa or Clive want. Also as time progresses more and more is learned about her genetics as well as subtle hints about one of the character's childhood. For me much of what happens near the end of the second act play strongly into the things we are never told about this character's past and family life and why they might act the way they do.

"Splice" then uses it's final act to go for the gut and go out there. Creepily out there with stuff you've definitely not seen in modern horror. My friends we have entered Cronenberg-land. It's a wonderful place full of bizarre, skin crawling things that play more into ideas and morals and less into just straight gore. In fact there isn't much gore in the film at all, but it does warrent it's R-rating. I dare not spoil anything major and really do ask people to give this a shot, especially if you profess to like sci-fi movies or horror movies. Nowadays we mainly get remakes, torture porn or straight forward gore pictures. It's rare to find original, intelligent, disturbing horror pieces that don't need to relay on half-assed tricks to get viewers. Granted A LOT of people will probably not like this film, but that's honestly because they've promoted this to seem very much like a basic horror film and that's what they want to see. Those viewers are the reason we have so many damn "Saw" films in the world. No taste for the truly bizarre and disturbing, just for mindless gore and stupid traps. Let me just say that Cronenberg's "The Brood" is smarter and creepier than any of the "Saw" pictures.

I know I could repeat that last bit over and over again till my fingers bleed, but it's the truth and honestly I know this film won't to be major success. It's too strange for mainstream audiences that want movies like lunch meat. They want simplicity, easy understanding and whatever is the flavor of the month aka funny zombie movies. Being a horror fan it does piss me off to high heavens, but fuck all I can do about it. All I can say is that "Splice" goes to places few horror movies go to anymore and has fun with it. It's not a heavy-handed morality tale of why you shouldn't play God and it's not a brainless monster movie. It's "Frankenstein" mixed with "Cronos" with a scoop of "Dead Ringers".

Sex and the City 2 review

As we return to the world of "Sex and the City", the highly successful book series, television series and now film series I'd like to note that yes as a young male this film is NOT geared towards me or my demographic. I'd also like to comment that I have watched various episodes of the show and did in fact watch and review the first film so I'm not unknown to this world and these characters. With the first film we leaped into the life of Carrie Bradshaw and and her gal pals as they bitched over a span of two years about the problems they were having with the men in their lives until they all finally pretty much realize that several of the issues were caused by themselves and their neglect, ignorance or idiocy. After resolving all their past issues (which were boring and pretty damn nonsensical) Carrie and "Mr. Big" get married and that was that.

So now we meet the girls again two and half years later for "Sex and the City 2" where Carrie and Big's marriage has lost it's spark. All he wants to do is sit at home and watch black and white movies while bathing in Old Spice and all she wants to do is to graze out under the stars every night. Samantha Jones aka Skank-o-tron 1000 is in full swing popping two fists full of pills to keep from looking like the Crypt keeper while still managing to go about the planet fucking anything that moves. (thanks Dennis Hopper, we'll miss ya) Charlotte is having a break down because she can't get control of her possibly retarded children that either continuously cry or fight tooth and nail to get some of mommy's precious attention. And then there's Miranda the walking corpse, whose googly-wide eyes, bleached white skin, flaming red slicked back hair and tiny Irish teeth could scare anyone better than the best Hollywood effects artist creation. Oh... yeah she's supposed to have a problem right? Hold on.... oh yeah, her male boss didn't like her cause she was a woman and all so she quit and started working with a bunch of happy hippie lawyers and then she was happy again. Spoiler alert.

But let's hop into the real meat of this film. Here is Michael Patrick King's second 'SitC' picture that is just as painfully long (146 minutes, longer than "Robin Hood") as the first film, but manages to be unfunny, borderline disgusting and yes pretty racist and insensitive. While I'm not going into this looking for well written humor (actually I'm going in to make up the humor with my friends, mission accomplished by the way), I would expect something clever or witty to slip out of one of these walking 'What Not to Where' promos. Instead we're treated to some of the out and out lamest ass jokes you could hear in modern cinema. I mean just hand in your face lame. The opening sequence which was a gay wedding decided to go as over the top as they probably could until they send it ONE STEP FURTHER by having the God of the gay men Liza Minelli sing a Beyonce song. That was the first scene in which I had my head in my hands... the first of many.

As we continue into that slow, steady descent into shitsville we head around the world to Abu Dhabi where the girls are on a free vacation of complete and utter vomit inducing decadence. I mean the fucking money these wee-brains spent while on this trip would really make you a bit sick to your stomach. At one point Carrie's hotel shadow aka paid slave tells her about how his wife lives in India and every three months they have enough money to see one another. After telling this to her friends the next morning over an elongated table filled with food, they quickly suggest going on a desert trek and picnic. I could only think about how everything on that table was probably a year of that guy's salary. But seriously what do they care? They've got their own problems like if Charlotte's smiling tub a goo husband is going to cheat on her with her large chested and bra-less Irish nanny. No readers this lovely lass says no, no, no to the shackles of the modern world of female undergarments and thus lets it all swing-a-ding loose. But hell at least she's good with the kids unlike their actual mother.

Honestly it's rare to see a two and half hour film completely filled with nonsensical bullshit. Not even the dreadful "Twilight" movies go as far as to make me just feel depressed watching it. While in the middle east they figure, hey this is the NEW middle east; a world without war, oppression or a super conservative moral code, religious belief system and law structure towards open sexuality so why not just grab on to a dude's erect cock at the hookah table?! This then brings about more sequences of ill done humor and general offensive bad taste. And don't get me wrong, I'm all for offending people but only when it's done for a point. Here, no point... just a bunch of bullshit to get horny older women and impressionable younger women laughing and mildly aroused.

Seriously though this film actually manages that moment where the film hits rock bottom. I've only witnessed this in a few pictures; not all terrible movies have a moments of complete and utter shit where the house of cards comes crashing down and all that is left is a horrible image on screen you'll remember for as long as you see movies. For "Sex and the City 2" it would be Kim Cattrall in the middle of an Abu-Dhabi market air humping in a linebacker like fury while swinging around a sheet of condoms and tossing out the finger like high fives after a Panthers game (ra-Oww!). This then leads to a scene that is equally as ridiculous and idiotic, but without that furious botox rage face and protruding Hulk veins. Really this is a horrible movie and as it stands the worst film of the year. The only plus side to the film is as a cinematic experience it was far funnier than watching "Macgruber".