Alice in Wonderland review

Here's a list of everything I thought while watching Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland".
1. I wish I could get them to replay that amazing "Tron Legacy" trailer.
2. I've got a feeling I know where this film is going...
3. Is it too late to get into "Avatar"?
4. I wonder how would this have been if Terry Gilliam or Sam Raimi or Guillermo Del Toro or Alex Proyas made this instead?
5. Why is Johnny Depp dressed up like a gay Ronald McDonald with a Scottish accent?
6. I'm digging the voice combo of Michael Sheen, Alan Rickman and Stephen Fry. I wish every movie had those three in it together.
7. Wow, forty damn minutes before Anne Hathaway is on screen... lame.
8. This is some lackluster 3D.
9. I really want something to eat. I should've taken care of that at home while watching "Cold Case Files".
10. I really want to see that "Tron" trailer again.
11. The is an awful screenplay...
12-29. (General white noise while trying to like the movie)
30. Wow... this is perhaps as bad as "Corpse Bride".

That's really all of it in a nutshell. "Alice in Wonderland" is boring, drab, long, poorly written, disappointingly directed by Burton and with that 3D price tag slapped on, a rip off. And it's sad because of all the fantasy filmmakers out there Burton would be at the top of anyones list for something involving this story, but with his vision clouded with tons of cartoonish CGI, a story that straight outta Narnia and creatures that look like they were designed for Crash Banidcoot games in the late 90's... well... his vision sucks.

I'll begin with our Alice, young Mia Wasikowska who moves about wonderland... or underland I think some call it, as if she was moving through a video game the whole time. Her mono toned voice through the film and fairly dull characterization leaves much to be desired in ever caring about what happens to her. Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter is simply annoying and stupid. He's an eyesore. He's Shaun White in pancake makeup serving tea instead of selling shitty video games with his name on them. Helena Bonham Carter's Red Queen is actually... well... pretty good. As much as I hated the giant head deal, I think she did a fine job playing her and made her lamest lines work really well. Also some of the CGi animation looks pretty nice in the finished product, but the 3D is has pronounced as it was in "Bolt".

The journey through Wonderland also concludes in a very Super Nintendo like way, where the main character finally fights something huge and ridiculous, it's defeated by a series of simple, yet effective moves and you are treated for a fucking stupid song and dance finale with the Mad Hatter. Speaking of which... did we really did an action sequence with the lighting of "The Lord of the Rings", but the action of "Journey to the Center of the Earth"? If Burton and company's plan was to make me want to go back and watch better fantasy films like "Pan's Labyrinth" or "The Imaginaruim of Dr. Parnassus" then mission accomplished.

And this isn't coming from some I hate Tim Burton thing. I think he's ok. He's made many films I don't like ("Corpse Bride", "The Nightmare Before Christmas", "Edward Scissorhands"), he's made films I love ("Ed Wood", "Sleepy Hollow", "Sweeny Todd") and many in the middle ("Mars Attacks!", "Planet of the Apes", "Batman"). However I do not think he's some unbeatable, champion filmmaker. This being a good example of why I feel he's not that. I think he needs to swing back into his old roots and try making something with less CGI crap and do things old school. Then it seemed like his work looked and moved better, you know. You had characters that were interesting and not just wild eyed crazies throwing things about. Rumor has it he's going to make "Return of Sleeping Beauty" or something of that nature. I'm not sure what to think, but perhaps he should stay away from kiddie flicks for a while. At least long enough that he can remember what telling a story means and making visually interesting films, not candy coated needles for the eyes.