The Twilight Saga: New Moon review

I'm gonna aim at this nice. Really nice. Nicer than I feel I ought to be. "New Moon" is indeed NOT as bad as "Twilight", but it still sucks, it's still loaded with issues and it's got some leaps and bounds before becoming a good or even mediocre franchise. When I review "Twilight" last winter I spoke about how great the screening was because it was so funny. Jokes were flying left and right and it ranks up with screenings for "10,000 BC" and "Dragon Wars" as the top three best screenings of the worst movies I've been to. Sadly "New Moon" was watched by myself in a car outside of a Days Inn where I mooched off their free wifi. I'm also doing it while writing this review. I'm slick like that.

Anyways with "New Moon" we get what's on those terrible trailers and then some. Robert Pattinson's Edward Cullen is as pale as ever and his acting is still as stiff as Heff's trouser snake after poppin' a few viagra pills. Kristen Stewart's Bella Swan is equally wooden, but most of the laughs honestly came from here in my opinion. Her three month long depression and nightmares where she would screech like a dying hog in her bed till her father Charlie (who's role is now that of a generally Anthony Hopkins supporting type role, where he walks in gives advice and a pat on the back, exits the room, collects his check and is off for the hills) comes in to comfort her. He's a saint in my book.

Early on Edward and his family leave (you find out the real reason later)and he informs Bella that he's not coming back and leaves her with the words 'just don't do anything reckless'. Therefore the first thing she does after 'breaking' out of her depression is hope on to the back of a motorcycle with a greasy stranger. The movie attempts to provide a reasoning for it, but let's face it that was pretty damn stupid. Re-enter the newly muscle clad Jacob played by Taylor "Sharkboy" Lautner. Okay I'll say it, I like this dude. I think he could have a future. Then again it could by because he's one of the few main characters that knows that the word emote is an acting term and not just a long word for emo. Jacob generally likes and cares about Bella and their scenes together aren't bad. In fact they're kind of good, but we all know that it ends in heartbreak and all that Stephine Myers made bullshit.

We get better CGI, but still bad CGI. I think they need to design a better looking werewolf or something that this point and the Zack Snyder-ed fight sequences come off as like ripped off Zack Snyder-ed fight sequences. Which they are. This brings me to Dakata Fanning, Michael Sheen and the Volturi. The whole roman catholic... operatic thing... it never really impresses me anymore, That was part of my issue with "Angels & Demons". The whole look of it is fantastic, but it's all over done or shot the wrong ways most of the time so it loses it's flair to me. However I will say that both Fanning and Sheen are terrific. I was skeptical about Fanning, not because of her acting (because she can act the shit outta anything at this point), but of the look she has which manages to make her look younger. It still occurs, but it works out here. As for Sheen well... he's Michael goddamned Sheen! He can play anything to perfection. In fact the man is posed to at some point win an Oscar. It ain't gonna be for this, but his brooding and seriousness plays well.

So that's as kind as I'm going to get with this film, okay? Now... here's where I stand. I get why this stuff is popular, but it sucks. Thsi franchise stands for just how crappy a re-imagining of a mythical creature can get and just how far you can exploit it. Director Chris Weitz who also directed 'About a Boy', 'American Pie', 'American Dreamz' and 'The Golden Compass' is still someone who doesn't inspire directorial confidence or storytelling confidence. The dialogue is worldly better than in the first film, but it's a work in progress (I hope). However by biggest beef still lay with the complete lack of chemistry between Pattinson and Stewart and how unconvincing their love story is. The few scenes with Jacob were more inspired, loving and interesting that any of this or the last films dealing solely with Bella and Edward. Bella (big shock) makes dumb decisions with men and the female, have two men fighting over me fantasty lives on with no concept of logic.

Furthermore why this movie is two hours and ten minutes is beyond me. There were a ton sequences and scenes that weren't there to build anything except a runtime. Thus making for a really boring experience outside of the interesting end of the first act and mildly interesting beginning of the third. Then again there is still plenty to laugh out. The end is a big one actually. Pattinson's cold glint and ultra-long pause make the final line even funnier and more soap opera-ish then it should be. But then again most of his lines are delivered in that same fashion. So I'll leave on this, Jacob and Alice (who I'm sorry I didn't mention earlier) are good. This movie is one those that displays the works and look of the supporting characters more than the leads. "New Moon" as a whole is blockbuster of a film that fans will carry on their backs till the next film (which is next year probably) and then they'll carry that one. The only thing I wish was that the press would openly mock a movie (like this) that's actually bad. However they won't because it's made a ton of movie so it must be good. Had it not though I wonder would they all be so eager to suck on the "Twilight" tit. I guess we'll never know.

"The Twilight Saga: New Moon" * 1/2 out of ****