Grown Ups review

So I thought back in late May/early June that I'd probably found the worst movie 2010 with "Sex and the City 2". I figured while I might find some stuff that is so powerfully unfunny and rancid that NOTHING else I would see this year could possibly compare. And then I sat through 102 minutes of "Grown Ups" and found a worthy opponent for the two and half hour epic of incomprehensible sewer gunk.

"Grown Ups" is just what it's advertised as. It's Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade and Rob Schneider acting like they think kids are supposed to act when around one another. What's worst is they bring in smarter people like Salma Hayek, Maria Bello and Maya Rudolph and make them act they way they think kids think women should act. And before I fucking deliver this piece of crap the knee in the groin it deserves lets go through some of the less painful portion of the movie. If there's one thing they get right it's eye candy. If you blank out the words some of these women have to say and just sit back and look at them then hallelujah, you've just seen this movie best way possible. Most of these women have had killer roles where they were convincingly smart, sexy, crazy, FUNNY... and all that is lost in this picture by reducing them to the lamest of the lame jokes involving farting, role reversal and breast milk. One day I hope to see these women in a film again together and God willing doing the work they deserve to be doing.

Ok with that said everything else in this entire movie is utter shit. It's like a shit sundae with extra peanuts. None of the jokes or sight gags or anything works on even the basic, making you smile level. Sandler pulls the hat trick by starring, co-writing and producing this utter trash and given his really impressive and really self-deprecating work in Judd Apatow's "Funny People" you might think he would've used just a single shred of that to make something in "Grown Ups" likable. Furthermore his character has nothing to do, but attempt to not get made fun of because he's a super successful Hollywood agent with his fashion designer wife and nanny. Kevin James is basically here to be made fun off because he's fat. So they run through the book of fat guy jokes and then when they're done they run it through again just in case you missed one. Because remember everybody... Kevin James=FAT. Then we have Rob Schneider who's been married three times, has two humorously beautiful daughters that look nothing like him and one ugly one that does. HAHA... he's ugly and so is she. FUNNY! Oh and he's now married to a woman around the age of 60. HAHA... he's fuckin' an old lady. FUNNY! And last, but not least David Spade and Chris Rock. You know... these two kind of get a pass because they barely have any lines. Spade is a lonely horn dog and Rock is Mr. Mom, but only a few jokes get thrown their way so it's almost like they were called in to fill out the poster.

There's no point to "Grown Ups". The movie is undeniably an excuse for these guys to hang out and make some money. Okay, I'm cool with that. But what they've actually managed to make other shit comedies they've been in ('I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry', 'Pootie Tang', 'Benchwarmers', 'Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star', 'Click', any movie that Schneider was the main character in) pale in comparison. Why make something so apologetically stupid?! Granted I don't walk into 95% of Adam Sandler movies looking for something great, but at the least sometimes he's funny. In no way shape or form is any of this movie even close to being funny. But hey that doesn't matter because the audience for this will eat it up and think it's great. They'll repeat it's God awful, disjointed one liners till they're blue in the face and there's nothing anyone can say to stop it.

But with all this out in the open... is it worst than "Sex and the City 2"? As for viewing experiences I can say they're both unwatchable and soul crushing, but surely one most be more distasteful. I'm getting close to thinking it's worst than "Macgruber"... but Satc2 is another monster entirely. There was a movie that fully embraced ignorance and intolerance for other peoples religion and customs because they just didn't like it. I guess "Grown Ups" was too busy smashing David Spade's face in a large pile of poop to think about being offensive AND being unfunny. That's a lot to take on in a helium headed picture, right?