Today I heard a great analogy and it pertains to these films. "I could say that getting punched in the face the third time was the best time, but I'm still getting punched in the face." And thus my feelings on 'Eclipse'. Well... let me alter that slightly; I won't use the word 'best', but I'd say it's the most watchable of the films.With the right people I can and have sat through all three of these mindless, boring drones people go gaga over, but at least here with this one my butt stayed awake the whole time. Probably has something to do with the slightly shorter running time. But alas everything in 'Eclipse' is pretty much the same as it was in 'New Moon' and the first laughably bad film. Bella (Kristen Stewart) is still in love with count paleness Edward (Robert 'foot face' Pattinson) and the runner-up for any 'Teen Wolf' look-a-like contest Jacob (Taylor 'the sun is in my eyes' Lautner). I'd say in this film her cock teasing gets a bit more heated because she's simply achin' for it. Part of me would find her whole plight interesting and funny if not for how intensely serious they all are about everything.
Sadly though it's not so simple. You see now Victoria (now played by Bryce Dallas Howard with about five lines) is raising an army of newly turned vampires to come after Bella and get her vengeance for what Edward did to her boyfriend James in the first film. The army is lead by Riley (Xavier Samuel) whose back story yields some intrigue, but apparently not enough to explore more of or at least remove us from having to listen to our three main characters groan on and on and on and on about how much they love Bella, hate _______ (enter Edward or Jacob) and want her all to themselves and blah, blah, blah.
Look... is there going to come a point where it's shown that any of these people can act? With two more films to go are they going to continue to kiss awkwardly, snarl during scenes of embrace and take a thousand fucking pausing in a conversation?! God bless the world cause finally Kristen Stewart cracks a damn smile, but good ole' foot face Pattinson... nahh... he'll have to go with a smirk; launched over at the shirtless Jacob who was warming his woman on the snow covered mountain. At said point it could be summarized that Bella pants were officially 'creamy' with delight. But more interesting is those looks between the rival lovers... I mean why couldn't they just get there Brokeback on and be done with the whole thing. Sort it out old school Greek style with dicks not fists. Oh well... perhaps my 'orgies solve everything' ideas are too dated.
Also involving said mountain scene was the following morning in which all three characters are FAR from correctly dressed to be outside on a giant, fucking, snowy ass mountain! Jacob's still shirtless for Gods sake! Then again that part was probably on a sound stage as the entire area looking fantastically unrealistic compared to the other wooded and mountainous areas in the film. And hey why make those poor actors pretend they're freezing on a snow capped mountain if it's really just a sound stage? That's just silly. During that massive logical temperature mystery is the big fight, which I'd equate to the meeting and following beating dished out between rival schools on a yearly high stakes football game that gets out of control. The one plus I found during the sequence was that it gave me sweet silence from those jabbering idiots we have to listen to 95% of the movie.
The fight itself isn't that exciting. Basically I just learned that in their universe vampires are made of crystal, so snap one open if you want to get to their sparkly center. The wolf transformations have grown on me, which is to say that instead of it being laughable most times its more like just another lame element in a big lame movie. Seriously fans... how do you find this romantic or interesting? I'm so tired of hearing these character talk about how important and special Bella is because frankly... she's not. She's a boring shell of a character designed for lost readers (and in this case viewers) to place themselves in. Basically it's for people who want to be loved by two people and string them along till they're finished and ready to be with just one. That's the fantasy this shit has created.
The only few things about 'Eclipse' that works is it's score by Oscar winning composer Howard Shore ('The Lord of the Rings' as well as pretty much all David Cronenberg movies) and a couple of the Cullen family member's flashbacks. Jasper's I find funnier then anything as he out of the blue develops a southern accent and then we're shown him as a confederate soldier during the Civil War. Rosealie's is better as it's basically a 1930's rape story with vampires, but it's shot and played out well. Had the movie been about their past then it may have been worth sitting through. Sadly it's just the same boring money making song and dance that get ill-informed kids all a flutter, feeding them lies about romance and the mythology of monsters. FACT OF THE DAY: Vampires NOT filled with crystal.
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